Moment of Weakness

So, I’ve been hanging tough on Atkins and really sticking to it.  Today would have been day six of no carbs, no sugar.  I say “would have” because I had a moment of weakness.

To begin with, my family went to the grocery store last night and came home with fresh baked french bread and freaking cinnamon rolls!  I can resist the cinnamon rolls, I’m not into sugary stuff, but the bread was warm and smelled so good.  You probably think I ate it, don’t you?  Well…..I didn’t.  I managed to be strong and ended up eating mashed cauliflower with cheese and then I baked some pepperoni with mozzarella on top.  They hit the spot but the bread was still calling my name.  It’s even calling me now since there is still a little piece left over from last night.

Then today I wake up and think to myself that I should be down several pounds after torturing myself for the last 5 days and by passing up anything that has carbs or sugar in it.  And to be honest, it’s only been 5 full days but seems like a life time.  Any who, I weigh myself and I’m down 2 pounds even.  What the fuck!  2 pounds?  That’s it?  Even 3 sounds better than that.  The 2 pound thing hung over me like a dark, thundering cloud.  I just kept thinking to myself that it was “only” 2 pounds and it didn’t really seem worth it. Was it worth passing up that french bread last night?  I don’t even know.  What. the. fuck. fucker!

After my Atkins shake breakfast I headed off to the chiropractor.  That’s still going well so I was excited to go.  I did my cracking and electrostimulating and then headed off to Target to get the kids their Easter basket stuff.  Well…at this point I can smell chocolate through the packaging and if you have been to Target lately you know that the candy aisles span about half the store.  So it was like a chocolate covered dust cloud as I got closer to the candy area.  Just to remind you, I can resist the chocolate, but as I’m perusing the candy aisles I can’t help but have the following dialogue with myself:

*Passing a display of Cadburry Eggs

“Oh…I’ve heard those are good.  I don’t even think I like them but I only lost two pounds after not eating them or any chocolate so maybe I should try them.  Better put two in my basket.”

*Passing a display of Goldfish, Easter Style

“Hmmm…I know I like these.  If I eat a few I’ll probably not lose any more than 2 pounds anyway.  These are definitely worth it.”

*Checking out at the register

“Don’t look over toward the ‘food court’ thingy.  Um, I think I have a coupon for 10% off those Pizza Hut pizzas.  Don’t look!  Wait, how much did I lose again after NOT eating pizza.  Oh yea, it was only two pounds!  I’m eating pizza so fuck Dr. Atkins!”

Here is the problem.  Atkins boasts that you can lose up to 15 pounds in the first two weeks so of course my mind is stuck on stupid thinking that that averages out to about 7.5 pounds a week.  I’m close to a week in and now I’m thinking that I should be closer to a 7 pound weight loss instead of a TWO POUND weight loss.  See how that happened?  The self sabotage!

And now I feel guilty and stupid for having that moment of weakness.  I feel mad for torturing myself the last 5 days only to fuck it all up in a matter of 20 minutes.  Messing up on Atkins in the beginning stages (or even SBD) is like a finality.  The first week on Atkins you are trying to get to the point where your body will burn fat for energy instead of carbs.  So basically you are trying to rid yourself of most carbs (sans 20 grams a day) so that your body is forced to start burning fat to function.  Eating a personal pan pizza fucks that process up in one fell swoop.  Who knows, I could have woken up tomorrow and been down the 7 pounds I was longing for.  Fuck my life!  Wanna know how many net carbs are in a personal pan pizza….64…that’s how many.  That’s definitely exceeding the daily allowance.  I did some googling and discovered that the consensus seems to be that you can’t fuck up on Atkins. You can’t have a “cheat” meal for the reason above.  You must stick to the eating plan to a T.

Now I’m conflicted as to how to move forward.  Do I get back to no carb/no sugar or do I eat what I want to eat and watch my intake?  Or do I attempt a combination of both?  Eat mostly “clean” and allow myself a “treat” once in a while so I don’t want to murder people for swinging french bread in front of my face?  Sometimes I think that I would need to go live in the wilderness and hunt my food and only grow my own vegetables to succeed on a plan like Atkins.  There are so many temptations staring you in the face at every turn.  What’s a girl to do?

I’m struggling with how to move forward.  I don’t have an answer.  I’m tempted to go back to Atkins full force but I know that I will be faced with temptation again so I’m conflicted.  It’s just proof once again that a.) if something sounds to good to be true it usually is and b.) there is no magic pill/solution for anything.

C’est la vie!  Ahhhhhhhhh.

Today’s Weigh In:  185.4

I guess that’s my new lowest in years by 0.2 ounces.  Woopty do!  I’ll let you know how I proceed after I mope about it for a few more hours.  That’s about the only solution I can come up with right now.  That and I’m not going to weigh myself again until Friday (yea right!).  I need to let things “settle”!  I’ll check in tomorrow which also happens to be day 1 of week 3, C25K.  Yay.

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